The Best Is Yet To Come

I know it's been a long time since I have written on here.   I have been writing quite a bit but just haven't posted anything because I have been doing it the old fashioned way:  pen and paper.  I am going to attempt to be better about this because I have been so inspired by God's grace and I have so many things to be grateful for. 

I turned 45 earlier this week and for the first time in my life, I was depressed about my age.  I know to some this might sound irrational, but I was feeling like my best days were behind me.  I thought I would be married by this time and I never would have thought I would be 45 with no children and I wish I had more money saved...and on and on and on.  So, all of these things have been weighing heavily on my mind and admittedly, I have been a little down. 

The day after my birthday, I flew Salt Lake City for work.  Those who know me know that I love to hike, explore and take pictures. At the recommendation of colleague, I decided to head out to the mountains to hike up to Donut Falls, a hike that was described to me as relatively easy and peaceful with perfect views for picture taking.   Because of the tough time I had been having, I had planned to find a nice quiet spot on the mountain to pray.  The beginning of the trail was situated at the end of a long bumpy road (I mean really bumpy), that was desolate and a bit nerve wrecking.  When I finally made it to the trail I noticed a few cars parked in the lot so I knew I was in the right place.  Because it was so remote, I was nervous about the hike, but decided to do it anyway.  

One lane road leading up to Donut Falls Trails

There was an older couple in the parking lot getting ready to do the trail, so I asked them where the trail started and the woman pointed me in the right direction.  It was beautiful, but there were no other people around, so I walked slow hoping the couple would "catch up to me" and I wouldn't be alone on the trail.  After about 5 minutes stopping to take pictures, I decided to venture up the trail afraid - not wanting to miss the opportunity to see the falls. 

After about 10 minutes of seeing no one else on the trail, I decided that it was probably best for me to turn around.  I was not familiar with the trail and I had no idea what, or who was watching me.  Moose, bears, mountain lions and who knows what else, make their home in the Utah mountains.  


View from the Donut Falls Trails

Shortly after turning around, I ran into the couple I saw at the beginning of the trail.  The guy asked if I was "giving up." After I explained to them that I was not comfortable hiking the trail alone, they invited me to walk with them.

They were super sweet and very funny.  They were playful with each other, super friendly and full of love and light. We were helping each other over rocks, taking pictures of each other, laughing and sharing stories.  I kept thinking, wow, after all of these years, you can tell they still like each other and what a great couple to welcome me in this way.  I also thought, what a sweet couple to be comfortable enough to allow a stranger to walk on a remote trail with them.

On the way back from the hike, I discovered that they were not married.  They met 6 months ago and were dating.  The guy, Greg, was a 74 year old retired corporate lawyer.  The woman, Sharon (looked like she was in her mid-sixties), is a retired Administrative Assistant. We exchanged emails, so later in the day I emailed Sharon to thank them for allowing me to tag along.  In her reply to me she told me they felt like they had found new lives with each other.  She said they both thought their  "best days were behind them" until they met each other.  She said they are both so incredibly happy and enjoying life each day.  Wow!!!  She couldn't have known how much her words meant to me in that moment.  And so began my healing process.   

I did not have a chance to pray on the mountain that day, but I believe God spoke to me through this couple.  Today is not the end of my story.  I know that I am where I am supposed to be and just because I am here right now does not mean I will always be here.  Joy is eternal if you want it.  It doesn't matter how old I am, I can have it (joy), and I can be content, explorative, full of life, adventurous, fearless, in love, loved, loving, daring, playful, sexy and bold.
My best years are ahead of me and I am ready for them.  I trust you God. 

Me at the Falls
The rocks were wet so I didn't go all the way up.

 

Thank You For My Legs

During the Christmas holidays this past year, I was going through old pictures with my Mom. I came across a picture of my great grandmother, Ruby Fisher, aka Boobie. We called her Boobie because my brother couldn't say Ruby, so henceforth and forevermore her name would be, Boobie. When I looked at the photo, the first thing I noticed was HER LEGS!! I snatched the picture from my Mother's hands and said, "Oh my God - those are MY legs!!" My Mom looked at me puzzled and mumbled something like, Mmm hmmm.  

My Great Grandmother Boobie in 1967

This photo was taken in 1967, a little less than a year before I was born. I remember Boobie, but my memories of her are from when she she was older and a little less agile- probably at least 6-8 years after this photo was taken. I remember her gentle spirit, her soft spokenness, and most of all, her love and care for my Mother and our family.  One thing I do not remember is those legs. 

Whenever I look at my legs, I'm always quick to pick apart everything I see wrong with them. I've wondered how I got so tall and why that bottom portion of my leg was so friggin long? It was seemingly longer than other tall women I have seen so I couldn't figure it out.  There are not very many tall women in my family, so I assumed my height came from the tall Howard side of my bloodline.  As soon as I saw the picture of Boobie, I felt a connection, and I had to probe my mother for more information.  How tall was she?  How old was she in this picture (we figured she was in her sixties)?  Tell me THIS story about her again.  What about this one?  I was enamored. 

A couple of weeks later back in San Diego, one of my best friends was flipping through pictures on my cell phone.  She came across a recent photo of me (photo is not included).  You would have to know her to understand how dramatic she was during the following interchange, but I hope you get the gist.  First she looked at the picture.  Then she looked back at me.  Then she looked back at the picture and then back at me again and said, Traci, please tell me what you see when you look at this picture!!!  "No, I said.  I'm embarrassed to tell you."  Then she said it again, but this time with more forcefulness.  "Tell me what you see when you see this picture!!!!!"  "Well," I said, "I hate this part of my legs; this part is too long and there's too much fat right there,"pointing to the inner part of my knees.  She said, "Are you crazy? When I looked at this picture, the FIRST thing I noticed was your legs!  They are amazing!!" 

She and I have had many conversations about our body image issues so I knew very well, the point she was trying to make.  She couldn't have known how much of an impact that conversation had on me.  My mind went immediately back to that picture of my great-grandmother Boobie. 

I asked my Mom to send me a copy of the picture of Boobie.  I needed it, because I knew somehow it was going to help me heal. 
I am writing about it today because I now have a new found appreciation for my legs.  Not in a narcissistic way - no, not at all.  I realize now that my legs are a blessing from God and from my great-grandmother.  She raised my Mom so I'm always excited to hear stories about her from my mother.  Most of the stories are about how she helped care for and spoil for my older brother - the first born grandchild on both sides of the family.  But now I have a story to tell about her.  

God made Boobie in His image and He made me in His image too.  While I know that I am uniquely made, there is no denying the power of DNA and family resemblance.  I am learning to love my legs.  Now when I look at them in the mirror, I think of Boobie and I say thank you instead of finding fault.

The next time my friend asks me what I see when I look at a picture of myself, I will say,  I see a woman who is wonderfully and fearfully made, and I see those amazing legs I got from my Grandma Boobie. 

My Legs 2/3/13 :-)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:14-16

The Star

I went back to Omaha for the holidays and had a chance to go to visit my "home church", Morning Star Baptist Church.  Its the church I grew up in.  It's where I was baptized.  The church where many of my family members were married and, sadly, eulogized.    

Whenever I come back to Omaha, I try to visit the church, but this time for some reason, I was emotional about the visit.  There were so many faces I did not recognize, but what moved me most were the faces of the people I have known since I was a little girl.    The elders.  I saw many of the women and men who helped mold me, in one way or another, into the Christian woman I am today.

I saw Mother Adams who lived around the corner from my grandmother and was a dear friend of hers.  She taught Sunday school and always scolded me when she hadn't seen me in Sunday school for some time (which was quite often).   I saw Mrs. Long.  I used to stand next to her in the choir and would marvel at her powerful alto voice.  She was quite funny too...in fact, she was the first person I ever heard use a swear word on church property.  Thinking back, I think she just said  "hell", but for my young ears, she may as well have dropped the "Eff bomb". 

I saw Mrs. Burke.  She would often pick me up and take me to children's choir rehearsal.  I grew up with her children and they lived two blocks away from us.  

 I saw Katherine Wilson.  We used to sing together in the choir and I remember when her kids  were born.  I also remember how broken hearted she was when her sister was murdered and how the church supported her when she herself a single mother, took custody of her sister's children...one of them was developmentally disabled.  

Finally, I saw Deacon Welch.  He has been a deacon at the church for as long as I can remember.   His wife, Ms. Edna, was stylish in her extravagant, but classy hats.  She was soft-spoken, but strong and powerful (at least that was how I saw her).

And there were others...Beatrice, Norma, Bobby, Mrs. Keaton, Mrs. People's, Mrs. Coty...and many many more.  

Age has slowed many of them down, but most are still active in the same ministry they were in when I was growing up.  And just as life goes, many have passed on leaving only memories to cherish.  

Mother Adams still sings in the choir. Still standing there while everyone else moves to the beat. Mrs. Long and Mrs. Burke  were also still singing in the choir.  When I asked Mrs. Long's daughter how her mother was doing, she replied, "She's good...still crazy". I knew then that she was still making people laugh.  One of the elders who is now in a wheelchair and is noticeably frail after having a stroke, called me over by name to say hello.  

Me and Katherine Wilson

All of the children Katherine raised are grown, including her own.  She shared with me that her youngest daughter is a school teacher in MO.  

I shook Deacon Welch 's hand as I walked around to give my offering.  He's still a deacon and his wife still looked beautiful in her red and black hat.  

Many things have changed at the church...it has moved to a new location. In fact, I overheard someone giving the address of the church and it was different than the address I memorized as a child.   The church is larger.   People are still friendly, and even though I don't recognize a lot of faces anymore, it was the "old faces" that reminded me that I am still at home...

This Is Jeopardy...and I'll Take Living For $600!

Last week the sister (Michelle) of one of my dearest friends was killed in a tragic car accident in South Africa.   Any unexpected death can be devastating, but car accidents seem to leave more questions:  Could it have been prevented?  Whose fault was it?  Was she aware?  So many questions...

The first question I keep asking is why her?  I will never know the answer to this question but I have to trust that God knows what's best and is in control. 

Another question I ask is why not me?  I drive.  I've been a passenger in cars with friends and co- workers.  I've been in car accidents.  I've even had some near misses where if I had been 2 minutes earlier,  my life could have been forever changed.  I don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out why God has spared my life up to this point - I just focus on being grateful for His mercy and grace.

Me and Michelle Cloete in South Africa 2004

Michelle and I are around the same age.  The thing I loved most about her was her zest for life, her ability to make everyone around her laugh and her sincere hospitality and care towards others.  Those are the things I will miss about her but the impact she had on my life will remain in my heart forever.

I can't help but wonder how I will be remembered when I pass away.  If I die today, what things have I left undone?  Which of my attributes will people carry in their hearts?  I don't live my life for the purpose of being remembered in death but I certainly want to have an impact while I'm here on earth.

I can either sit around and continue to ask questions and wonder why, or I can get busy living....just like Michelle did.  I'll take living for $600 Alex.   when I pass away.  If I die today, what things have I left undone?  Which of my attributes will people carry in their hearts?  I don't live my life for the purpose of being remembered in death but I certainly want to have an impact while I'm here on earth.

I can either sit around and continue to ask questions and wonder why, or I can get busy living....just like Michelle did.  I'll take living for $600 Alex.

Live Big!



Have you ever had that feeling that you were being called to live a bigger life than the one you are currently living?  I don't mean "BIGGER" in terms of material things.  Nope.  I'm not talking about cars, homes, shoes, clothes, jewelry or anything else you can buy with the almighty dollar.  What I'm talking about is quite different than that.

By bigger life I mean, a life where the focus is on WHEN, and not IF.
One in which you ask Why not? instead of Why? 
A life in which you are not afraid to say YES as much as you say NO or one in which you are not afraid to say NO as much as you say YES.

One where you don't feel guilty about standing up for yourself.
A life where playing small just doesn't feel right anymore.  It's like trying to rekindle that relationship with a size10 when you're clearly better "suited" for a size14.  It's just down right uncomfortable.
A life during which you have fewer regrets, but instead are hoping for more Do-Overs.  

A life where the past no longer has power over you.
Where you are able to forgive others...including yourself. 
A life where you are not afraid to have vision and share that vision.  
Where you dare to SEE yourself living the life God has promised you. 

Where you lean towards life instead of away from it. 
A life where you refuse to let fear get in the way of anything...and when it does, you do it anyway because you know that God's got you.
A life where you learn to trust that still, small whisper-like voice telling you, "Yes girl, you deserve to have love, peace, joy, forgiveness, prosperity, happiness."

It feels like a tug on your subconsciousness.  Sometimes though, it's more like a yank or a pull! 
It sounds like someone whispering in your ear...quietly...pleading with you to HAVE FAITH.  TRUST.  LET IT GO.  LIVE.

This is how I have been feeling lately.  I'm learning to respond to that tug and that whisper because I know that God is pulling me towards a life that is larger than any life I could ever imagine for myself.  I am grateful for the opportunity and I'm ready.    -traci

Right Place - Right Time

Five a.m. I drag myself onto the shuttle bus in the self park lot at the San Diego Airport.  Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a morning person.  They will tell you that it usually takes me a good hour or two after at that time of day to wake up enough to be able to carry on a conversation beyond one or two words. 

This morning was no different.  I was headed back east on a business trip and my flight was leaving at 6:30 a.m.  It took a while for the shuttle to swing by to get me so I was cold, crabby and complaining.  All I wanted to do was board the plane and go back to sleep. 

When the shuttle finally came, I got on, said hello, and quickly took my seat.  I was the only one on board and the driver was clearly used to functioning before sunrise.  He began making small talk with me.  I didn't want to talk, but I also did not want to be rude, so I engaged him in conversation. 

When I asked him how he was doing he said, "Tired."  "Oh!" I said, "Did you just start work?  "No," he said, "I have been working all night."  I said, 'Well at least you get to sleep during the day."  He chuckled and said, "Actually, I get off work here at 8 and then I go to my other job from 9-5:00."   Realizing that only a few things would motivate someone to work that hard, I asked him, "Do you have a family?"  "Yes," he said, "That's why I work this way."  "I have a three year old son named Evan who is sick." "My wife quit her job to stay home with him to take him to his appointments and work with the therapists come over to the house to work with him"  he said. 

I can't remember the condition his son had, but it was some sort of developmental disease whose name I didn't recognize.

He was beaming as he talked about his son.  I could hear the pride in his voice as he told me that he was only 25 years old and how his father set an example for him about the importance of hard work and family.  He said, "I can't wait for the weekend because I get off at 8:00 Saturday morning, and then I have the rest of the weekend to spend with my family."

As he dropped me off at my terminal, I asked him his name, "J.J." he said.  I tipped him, told him I would be praying for his family but especially for little Evan, and I thanked him. 

I'm sure he probably thought my thank you was a general thank you for getting me to the terminal.  It wasn't.  In fact, my thank you had nothing to do with that. 

I was thanking him for reminding me how much I needed to put things in my life into perspective. 

I thanked him for renewing my faith in good, upright YOUNG men of color. 

I thanked him for helping me see that my "problems" are minor, and I should be grateful.

Finally, I thanked him being the driver on that early morning shuttle that I was complaining so much about.  I needed to be there...in that moment, on that shuttle, with that driver, on that day, at that time. 

You are right where you should be at this moment.  Now it is time to move on to what is next.          -Ralph Marston

I Know Who I Am

A few years ago I dated a guy who told me that as the dean for admissions, I should not be driving a Honda Accord.  He said, you should be driving a better car than that.  My initial reaction:?????   Honestly, I wasn't sure how to respond except to say that the type of car I drive and my title do not make me who I am.  There are some people who place more importance on the appearance of things or status, than they do on other factors that are so much more important. 

I'm not being naive about any of this.  I know that status is important to a lot of people in life.  Even though others may attach some status to me based on superficial things, I work very hard to make sure these things do not define me. 

I have been thinking about this a lot recently as I struggle through some things at work and wrestle my way through a few financial difficulties.  A fancy car, a title, or couture designer clothes do not exempt you from difficulties or challenges.  I do not care to be known by my title or by what I have. Instead, I want people to define me by heart, the work that I have done to help other people, the love I give and they way I treat people. 

Don't get me wrong, I am truly grateful for the opportunities and blessings (things) I have received. I appreciate that my family and friends, and most importantly God, are proud of me.  However, if pride and "things" were all I had, my existence would be sad and full of confusion.  Because they also give me love, acceptance, understanding, stability, and because they know my heart - because they know the real me, my foundation is based on more than "stuff", or titles.

Today I am grateful for ALL of the blessings I have had in my life.  I am grateful for my title, my degrees, my car, my apartment, my job, my clothes, etc.  I am even more grateful for the things that can not be taken away from me - the things you won't be able to immediately see when you look at me.

In my favorite book, the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, one of his agreements is Don't Take Anything Personally.  He says,  "Whatever others do, feel, think, or say, don't take it personally."  "If they tell you how wonderful you are, they are not saying that because of you. You know you are wonderful." 

I have to remind myself of this...in fact, it's one of my mantras: Don't take anything personally Traci - you know who you really you are!  :-)  I am grateful for that!


"Don't Take Anything Personally!  If you keep this agreement, you can travel around the world with your heart completely open and no one can hurt you.  You can be in the middle of hell and still experience inner peace and happiness.  -Don Miguel Ruiz

I May NOT See You Tomorrow...

The recent passing of Whitney Houston has made me think a lot about how precious each moment in life is.

In 2005 one of my best friends (Adrianne) passed away from breast cancer. I knew she was sick and I knew she was close to dying. What I didn't know was that the plans we had made during my last visit with her would never happen. I left her house on a Tuesday making arrangements to come back two days later with a pair of fuzzy socks that she had wanted. I bought the socks for her; I bought several pair so she would be able to enjoy them throughout the week. When I called her house that Thursday to arrange a time to come over, her husband told me she was unable to communicate - she had deteriorated and was incoherent. Two days later she passed away. When I hung up the phone with him I sat there and looked at the socks and wondered, now what?

In 2008, my beautiful, vibrant 23 year old cousin Deirdre passed away unexpectedly in her sleep. I still can't help but wonder who she talked to last... What plans did she have for the next day? Who had she told, I'll call/text you tomorrow, next week, or soon?

As shocking as unexpected deaths are, they have a way of waking something up in us - if we allow them to. This awakening calls upon us to think about what we think about. To watch what we're watching. To hear what we're saying. To take advantage of the season of our lives where God is calling us to reach higher heights.

Friday, February 10, I was at home surfing the internet checking out a couple of my guilty pleasures: Mediatakeout.com and TMZ.com (speaking of time wasters). I was on one of the sites when I saw pictures of Whitney from the night before leaving a club in LA. Her hair was disheveled, she had, what looked to me to be red wine, streaming down her leg, and she looked distraught. I couldn't help but wonder about her in that moment and I prayed that she was healthy. I spent some time surfing the internet for stories and pictures of her and watched a few of her videos.

The next day when I heard the news of her passing I was shocked! When I heard about how she was scheduled to sing at a party Saturday night, I thought, she must have had plans for the rest of the day, just like the socks I bought for my friend Adrianne. I imagine her dress, shoes, jewelry all laid out waiting for her to wear them well. I suspect that maybe she had dinner plans for later that night. She went in to take a routine bath leaving people from her "camp" in the suite with her. And just like that, she was gone.

Last year God put several things on my heart to do. Write. Start a non-profit. Volunteer. Pay off credit card debt. Let go of some situations, a few people and several things that are not serving me. I was obedient for a time and was able to tackle some of the things God was calling me to do, but then I lost focus. I put some of the other things on the back burner because of work and other stuff that began to cloud my vision.

I do not want to live in fear of dying, but I also do not want to live my life in a way that doesn't consider the fact that tomorrow may never come - at least on earth. As sad as I am about Whitney's passing and the passing of Adrianne and Deirdre, I am grateful for the lesson. I was asleep and needed to be awakened! I'm up now!  -tdh


No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert^! You do not know when that time will come. It’s like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with his assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch. “Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. What I say to you, I say to everyone: ‘Watch!’  Mark 13: 32-37

I'm Not a Morning Person

One of my favorite authors is Wayne Dyer.  He's an inspirational speaker and writer.  In his book,
10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace, his secret number four is: Embrace Silence.  I learned to do that this week. 

For the past few days, I have been waking up each morning long before my alarm went off.  The first day I was really frustrated because I hadn't slept much the night before.  The second day I had been planning to sleep late but couldn't. I got up and began writing.  Another day it was the same routine. 
Today, again, I woke up before 6:00 a.m.  I laid in bed and had my private time with God.  After that I thought I would go back to sleep.  I didn't. Once again, I was awake before the sun came up and I didn't like it.   Finally, frustrated, I decided to get up and get my day started.

I got out of bed and started working on my 2012 vision board. I have been putting this off since the new year began but somehow today, before the break of dawn, I was inspired. I went through about 15 magazines, read a few articles I had been putting off reading and ripped out pictures and phrases for my board.  Before I knew it it was 9:30 a.m. and I was ready for breakfast.

I often say how I'm not a morning person, but the more I live, the more I realize that I have to make the best of each hour in the day that I am blessed with.  There is a time for work; a time for rest; a time for working out; a time to refuel, and a time to be inspired.  For me, at least this week, it happens to be at 5:30 a.m. and I am ok with it.

Well, it's after midnight so I'm off to bed.  I have to be up early in the morning.  -tdh

Don't resent what you have to do.  Instead, be delightfully thankful for what you have the opportunity to achieve.  - Ralph Marstons

 Wayne Dyer            
10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace by Wayne Dyer

Eyes Wide Open

Sexy black sequined dress. Glasses raised. Auld Lang Syne blasting through the speakers.  Snuggled up with that special man, I danced my way into 2011 with my EYES HALF CLOSED.  I was on top of the world...at least that's what I thought...and so did everyone else. 
Very soon after 2011 started,  I realized that it was going to be a remarkable one!  I wasn't sure how my life would change.  I wasn't sure WHAT in my life would change, but I knew 100%, that it was going to change.  No, scratch that, I knew it HAD to change. 

I can only remember three to four times in my life where I heard the voice of God speaking to me in a way that was as clear as my own voice.  The first time I remember hearing it was when I was around 24 years old.  I heard it, but I didn't believe it and I couldn't trust it at that time. 

The most recent time was early last year. God spoke. I listened, and then I surrendered.  As a result, 2011 was one of the most amazing years of my life.  It was a year of revelations, realizations, peace, shedding, confidence, reconciliation, love and grace. 

As 2011 came to an end, I have to admit I wasn't excited about going into 2012. Quite honestly, I fell into 2012 kicking and screaming.  Part of me had fears about what it was going to bring for me - old habits die hard I guess. The other part of me just wasn't ready for the new year to begin. Saying that seems strange seeing as how I have absolutely no control over these things.  Yet and still, I wished I could slow down the clock a little and take some time to plan. 

Recently I had a chance to settle down a bit and think about what I want for my life this year.  I realize that much of it is a continuation of what God revealed to me in 2011.  The difference now is that I feel like I'm aligning with God to create the life I deserve.  I'm not doing "my thing" without consulting God about His will for my life. 

2012 came in in a non-momentous way. No cute, sexy, sparkly dress. No man to hold on to (at least not physically). No Auld Lang Syne. No streamers, confetti, cheers etc.  One thing I know for sure, MY EYES ARE WIDE OPEN and I'm grateful.    Bring it 2012.  I'm ready now.   -TDH

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything  James 1:2-4