The Best Is Yet To Come

I know it's been a long time since I have written on here.   I have been writing quite a bit but just haven't posted anything because I have been doing it the old fashioned way:  pen and paper.  I am going to attempt to be better about this because I have been so inspired by God's grace and I have so many things to be grateful for. 

I turned 45 earlier this week and for the first time in my life, I was depressed about my age.  I know to some this might sound irrational, but I was feeling like my best days were behind me.  I thought I would be married by this time and I never would have thought I would be 45 with no children and I wish I had more money saved...and on and on and on.  So, all of these things have been weighing heavily on my mind and admittedly, I have been a little down. 

The day after my birthday, I flew Salt Lake City for work.  Those who know me know that I love to hike, explore and take pictures. At the recommendation of colleague, I decided to head out to the mountains to hike up to Donut Falls, a hike that was described to me as relatively easy and peaceful with perfect views for picture taking.   Because of the tough time I had been having, I had planned to find a nice quiet spot on the mountain to pray.  The beginning of the trail was situated at the end of a long bumpy road (I mean really bumpy), that was desolate and a bit nerve wrecking.  When I finally made it to the trail I noticed a few cars parked in the lot so I knew I was in the right place.  Because it was so remote, I was nervous about the hike, but decided to do it anyway.  

One lane road leading up to Donut Falls Trails

There was an older couple in the parking lot getting ready to do the trail, so I asked them where the trail started and the woman pointed me in the right direction.  It was beautiful, but there were no other people around, so I walked slow hoping the couple would "catch up to me" and I wouldn't be alone on the trail.  After about 5 minutes stopping to take pictures, I decided to venture up the trail afraid - not wanting to miss the opportunity to see the falls. 

After about 10 minutes of seeing no one else on the trail, I decided that it was probably best for me to turn around.  I was not familiar with the trail and I had no idea what, or who was watching me.  Moose, bears, mountain lions and who knows what else, make their home in the Utah mountains.  


View from the Donut Falls Trails

Shortly after turning around, I ran into the couple I saw at the beginning of the trail.  The guy asked if I was "giving up." After I explained to them that I was not comfortable hiking the trail alone, they invited me to walk with them.

They were super sweet and very funny.  They were playful with each other, super friendly and full of love and light. We were helping each other over rocks, taking pictures of each other, laughing and sharing stories.  I kept thinking, wow, after all of these years, you can tell they still like each other and what a great couple to welcome me in this way.  I also thought, what a sweet couple to be comfortable enough to allow a stranger to walk on a remote trail with them.

On the way back from the hike, I discovered that they were not married.  They met 6 months ago and were dating.  The guy, Greg, was a 74 year old retired corporate lawyer.  The woman, Sharon (looked like she was in her mid-sixties), is a retired Administrative Assistant. We exchanged emails, so later in the day I emailed Sharon to thank them for allowing me to tag along.  In her reply to me she told me they felt like they had found new lives with each other.  She said they both thought their  "best days were behind them" until they met each other.  She said they are both so incredibly happy and enjoying life each day.  Wow!!!  She couldn't have known how much her words meant to me in that moment.  And so began my healing process.   

I did not have a chance to pray on the mountain that day, but I believe God spoke to me through this couple.  Today is not the end of my story.  I know that I am where I am supposed to be and just because I am here right now does not mean I will always be here.  Joy is eternal if you want it.  It doesn't matter how old I am, I can have it (joy), and I can be content, explorative, full of life, adventurous, fearless, in love, loved, loving, daring, playful, sexy and bold.
My best years are ahead of me and I am ready for them.  I trust you God. 

Me at the Falls
The rocks were wet so I didn't go all the way up.

 

Thank You For My Legs

During the Christmas holidays this past year, I was going through old pictures with my Mom. I came across a picture of my great grandmother, Ruby Fisher, aka Boobie. We called her Boobie because my brother couldn't say Ruby, so henceforth and forevermore her name would be, Boobie. When I looked at the photo, the first thing I noticed was HER LEGS!! I snatched the picture from my Mother's hands and said, "Oh my God - those are MY legs!!" My Mom looked at me puzzled and mumbled something like, Mmm hmmm.  

My Great Grandmother Boobie in 1967

This photo was taken in 1967, a little less than a year before I was born. I remember Boobie, but my memories of her are from when she she was older and a little less agile- probably at least 6-8 years after this photo was taken. I remember her gentle spirit, her soft spokenness, and most of all, her love and care for my Mother and our family.  One thing I do not remember is those legs. 

Whenever I look at my legs, I'm always quick to pick apart everything I see wrong with them. I've wondered how I got so tall and why that bottom portion of my leg was so friggin long? It was seemingly longer than other tall women I have seen so I couldn't figure it out.  There are not very many tall women in my family, so I assumed my height came from the tall Howard side of my bloodline.  As soon as I saw the picture of Boobie, I felt a connection, and I had to probe my mother for more information.  How tall was she?  How old was she in this picture (we figured she was in her sixties)?  Tell me THIS story about her again.  What about this one?  I was enamored. 

A couple of weeks later back in San Diego, one of my best friends was flipping through pictures on my cell phone.  She came across a recent photo of me (photo is not included).  You would have to know her to understand how dramatic she was during the following interchange, but I hope you get the gist.  First she looked at the picture.  Then she looked back at me.  Then she looked back at the picture and then back at me again and said, Traci, please tell me what you see when you look at this picture!!!  "No, I said.  I'm embarrassed to tell you."  Then she said it again, but this time with more forcefulness.  "Tell me what you see when you see this picture!!!!!"  "Well," I said, "I hate this part of my legs; this part is too long and there's too much fat right there,"pointing to the inner part of my knees.  She said, "Are you crazy? When I looked at this picture, the FIRST thing I noticed was your legs!  They are amazing!!" 

She and I have had many conversations about our body image issues so I knew very well, the point she was trying to make.  She couldn't have known how much of an impact that conversation had on me.  My mind went immediately back to that picture of my great-grandmother Boobie. 

I asked my Mom to send me a copy of the picture of Boobie.  I needed it, because I knew somehow it was going to help me heal. 
I am writing about it today because I now have a new found appreciation for my legs.  Not in a narcissistic way - no, not at all.  I realize now that my legs are a blessing from God and from my great-grandmother.  She raised my Mom so I'm always excited to hear stories about her from my mother.  Most of the stories are about how she helped care for and spoil for my older brother - the first born grandchild on both sides of the family.  But now I have a story to tell about her.  

God made Boobie in His image and He made me in His image too.  While I know that I am uniquely made, there is no denying the power of DNA and family resemblance.  I am learning to love my legs.  Now when I look at them in the mirror, I think of Boobie and I say thank you instead of finding fault.

The next time my friend asks me what I see when I look at a picture of myself, I will say,  I see a woman who is wonderfully and fearfully made, and I see those amazing legs I got from my Grandma Boobie. 

My Legs 2/3/13 :-)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:14-16