Live Big!



Have you ever had that feeling that you were being called to live a bigger life than the one you are currently living?  I don't mean "BIGGER" in terms of material things.  Nope.  I'm not talking about cars, homes, shoes, clothes, jewelry or anything else you can buy with the almighty dollar.  What I'm talking about is quite different than that.

By bigger life I mean, a life where the focus is on WHEN, and not IF.
One in which you ask Why not? instead of Why? 
A life in which you are not afraid to say YES as much as you say NO or one in which you are not afraid to say NO as much as you say YES.

One where you don't feel guilty about standing up for yourself.
A life where playing small just doesn't feel right anymore.  It's like trying to rekindle that relationship with a size10 when you're clearly better "suited" for a size14.  It's just down right uncomfortable.
A life during which you have fewer regrets, but instead are hoping for more Do-Overs.  

A life where the past no longer has power over you.
Where you are able to forgive others...including yourself. 
A life where you are not afraid to have vision and share that vision.  
Where you dare to SEE yourself living the life God has promised you. 

Where you lean towards life instead of away from it. 
A life where you refuse to let fear get in the way of anything...and when it does, you do it anyway because you know that God's got you.
A life where you learn to trust that still, small whisper-like voice telling you, "Yes girl, you deserve to have love, peace, joy, forgiveness, prosperity, happiness."

It feels like a tug on your subconsciousness.  Sometimes though, it's more like a yank or a pull! 
It sounds like someone whispering in your ear...quietly...pleading with you to HAVE FAITH.  TRUST.  LET IT GO.  LIVE.

This is how I have been feeling lately.  I'm learning to respond to that tug and that whisper because I know that God is pulling me towards a life that is larger than any life I could ever imagine for myself.  I am grateful for the opportunity and I'm ready.    -traci

Right Place - Right Time

Five a.m. I drag myself onto the shuttle bus in the self park lot at the San Diego Airport.  Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a morning person.  They will tell you that it usually takes me a good hour or two after at that time of day to wake up enough to be able to carry on a conversation beyond one or two words. 

This morning was no different.  I was headed back east on a business trip and my flight was leaving at 6:30 a.m.  It took a while for the shuttle to swing by to get me so I was cold, crabby and complaining.  All I wanted to do was board the plane and go back to sleep. 

When the shuttle finally came, I got on, said hello, and quickly took my seat.  I was the only one on board and the driver was clearly used to functioning before sunrise.  He began making small talk with me.  I didn't want to talk, but I also did not want to be rude, so I engaged him in conversation. 

When I asked him how he was doing he said, "Tired."  "Oh!" I said, "Did you just start work?  "No," he said, "I have been working all night."  I said, 'Well at least you get to sleep during the day."  He chuckled and said, "Actually, I get off work here at 8 and then I go to my other job from 9-5:00."   Realizing that only a few things would motivate someone to work that hard, I asked him, "Do you have a family?"  "Yes," he said, "That's why I work this way."  "I have a three year old son named Evan who is sick." "My wife quit her job to stay home with him to take him to his appointments and work with the therapists come over to the house to work with him"  he said. 

I can't remember the condition his son had, but it was some sort of developmental disease whose name I didn't recognize.

He was beaming as he talked about his son.  I could hear the pride in his voice as he told me that he was only 25 years old and how his father set an example for him about the importance of hard work and family.  He said, "I can't wait for the weekend because I get off at 8:00 Saturday morning, and then I have the rest of the weekend to spend with my family."

As he dropped me off at my terminal, I asked him his name, "J.J." he said.  I tipped him, told him I would be praying for his family but especially for little Evan, and I thanked him. 

I'm sure he probably thought my thank you was a general thank you for getting me to the terminal.  It wasn't.  In fact, my thank you had nothing to do with that. 

I was thanking him for reminding me how much I needed to put things in my life into perspective. 

I thanked him for renewing my faith in good, upright YOUNG men of color. 

I thanked him for helping me see that my "problems" are minor, and I should be grateful.

Finally, I thanked him being the driver on that early morning shuttle that I was complaining so much about.  I needed to be there...in that moment, on that shuttle, with that driver, on that day, at that time. 

You are right where you should be at this moment.  Now it is time to move on to what is next.          -Ralph Marston

I Know Who I Am

A few years ago I dated a guy who told me that as the dean for admissions, I should not be driving a Honda Accord.  He said, you should be driving a better car than that.  My initial reaction:?????   Honestly, I wasn't sure how to respond except to say that the type of car I drive and my title do not make me who I am.  There are some people who place more importance on the appearance of things or status, than they do on other factors that are so much more important. 

I'm not being naive about any of this.  I know that status is important to a lot of people in life.  Even though others may attach some status to me based on superficial things, I work very hard to make sure these things do not define me. 

I have been thinking about this a lot recently as I struggle through some things at work and wrestle my way through a few financial difficulties.  A fancy car, a title, or couture designer clothes do not exempt you from difficulties or challenges.  I do not care to be known by my title or by what I have. Instead, I want people to define me by heart, the work that I have done to help other people, the love I give and they way I treat people. 

Don't get me wrong, I am truly grateful for the opportunities and blessings (things) I have received. I appreciate that my family and friends, and most importantly God, are proud of me.  However, if pride and "things" were all I had, my existence would be sad and full of confusion.  Because they also give me love, acceptance, understanding, stability, and because they know my heart - because they know the real me, my foundation is based on more than "stuff", or titles.

Today I am grateful for ALL of the blessings I have had in my life.  I am grateful for my title, my degrees, my car, my apartment, my job, my clothes, etc.  I am even more grateful for the things that can not be taken away from me - the things you won't be able to immediately see when you look at me.

In my favorite book, the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, one of his agreements is Don't Take Anything Personally.  He says,  "Whatever others do, feel, think, or say, don't take it personally."  "If they tell you how wonderful you are, they are not saying that because of you. You know you are wonderful." 

I have to remind myself of this...in fact, it's one of my mantras: Don't take anything personally Traci - you know who you really you are!  :-)  I am grateful for that!


"Don't Take Anything Personally!  If you keep this agreement, you can travel around the world with your heart completely open and no one can hurt you.  You can be in the middle of hell and still experience inner peace and happiness.  -Don Miguel Ruiz

I May NOT See You Tomorrow...

The recent passing of Whitney Houston has made me think a lot about how precious each moment in life is.

In 2005 one of my best friends (Adrianne) passed away from breast cancer. I knew she was sick and I knew she was close to dying. What I didn't know was that the plans we had made during my last visit with her would never happen. I left her house on a Tuesday making arrangements to come back two days later with a pair of fuzzy socks that she had wanted. I bought the socks for her; I bought several pair so she would be able to enjoy them throughout the week. When I called her house that Thursday to arrange a time to come over, her husband told me she was unable to communicate - she had deteriorated and was incoherent. Two days later she passed away. When I hung up the phone with him I sat there and looked at the socks and wondered, now what?

In 2008, my beautiful, vibrant 23 year old cousin Deirdre passed away unexpectedly in her sleep. I still can't help but wonder who she talked to last... What plans did she have for the next day? Who had she told, I'll call/text you tomorrow, next week, or soon?

As shocking as unexpected deaths are, they have a way of waking something up in us - if we allow them to. This awakening calls upon us to think about what we think about. To watch what we're watching. To hear what we're saying. To take advantage of the season of our lives where God is calling us to reach higher heights.

Friday, February 10, I was at home surfing the internet checking out a couple of my guilty pleasures: Mediatakeout.com and TMZ.com (speaking of time wasters). I was on one of the sites when I saw pictures of Whitney from the night before leaving a club in LA. Her hair was disheveled, she had, what looked to me to be red wine, streaming down her leg, and she looked distraught. I couldn't help but wonder about her in that moment and I prayed that she was healthy. I spent some time surfing the internet for stories and pictures of her and watched a few of her videos.

The next day when I heard the news of her passing I was shocked! When I heard about how she was scheduled to sing at a party Saturday night, I thought, she must have had plans for the rest of the day, just like the socks I bought for my friend Adrianne. I imagine her dress, shoes, jewelry all laid out waiting for her to wear them well. I suspect that maybe she had dinner plans for later that night. She went in to take a routine bath leaving people from her "camp" in the suite with her. And just like that, she was gone.

Last year God put several things on my heart to do. Write. Start a non-profit. Volunteer. Pay off credit card debt. Let go of some situations, a few people and several things that are not serving me. I was obedient for a time and was able to tackle some of the things God was calling me to do, but then I lost focus. I put some of the other things on the back burner because of work and other stuff that began to cloud my vision.

I do not want to live in fear of dying, but I also do not want to live my life in a way that doesn't consider the fact that tomorrow may never come - at least on earth. As sad as I am about Whitney's passing and the passing of Adrianne and Deirdre, I am grateful for the lesson. I was asleep and needed to be awakened! I'm up now!  -tdh


No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert^! You do not know when that time will come. It’s like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with his assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch. “Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. What I say to you, I say to everyone: ‘Watch!’  Mark 13: 32-37

I'm Not a Morning Person

One of my favorite authors is Wayne Dyer.  He's an inspirational speaker and writer.  In his book,
10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace, his secret number four is: Embrace Silence.  I learned to do that this week. 

For the past few days, I have been waking up each morning long before my alarm went off.  The first day I was really frustrated because I hadn't slept much the night before.  The second day I had been planning to sleep late but couldn't. I got up and began writing.  Another day it was the same routine. 
Today, again, I woke up before 6:00 a.m.  I laid in bed and had my private time with God.  After that I thought I would go back to sleep.  I didn't. Once again, I was awake before the sun came up and I didn't like it.   Finally, frustrated, I decided to get up and get my day started.

I got out of bed and started working on my 2012 vision board. I have been putting this off since the new year began but somehow today, before the break of dawn, I was inspired. I went through about 15 magazines, read a few articles I had been putting off reading and ripped out pictures and phrases for my board.  Before I knew it it was 9:30 a.m. and I was ready for breakfast.

I often say how I'm not a morning person, but the more I live, the more I realize that I have to make the best of each hour in the day that I am blessed with.  There is a time for work; a time for rest; a time for working out; a time to refuel, and a time to be inspired.  For me, at least this week, it happens to be at 5:30 a.m. and I am ok with it.

Well, it's after midnight so I'm off to bed.  I have to be up early in the morning.  -tdh

Don't resent what you have to do.  Instead, be delightfully thankful for what you have the opportunity to achieve.  - Ralph Marstons

 Wayne Dyer            
10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace by Wayne Dyer

Eyes Wide Open

Sexy black sequined dress. Glasses raised. Auld Lang Syne blasting through the speakers.  Snuggled up with that special man, I danced my way into 2011 with my EYES HALF CLOSED.  I was on top of the world...at least that's what I thought...and so did everyone else. 
Very soon after 2011 started,  I realized that it was going to be a remarkable one!  I wasn't sure how my life would change.  I wasn't sure WHAT in my life would change, but I knew 100%, that it was going to change.  No, scratch that, I knew it HAD to change. 

I can only remember three to four times in my life where I heard the voice of God speaking to me in a way that was as clear as my own voice.  The first time I remember hearing it was when I was around 24 years old.  I heard it, but I didn't believe it and I couldn't trust it at that time. 

The most recent time was early last year. God spoke. I listened, and then I surrendered.  As a result, 2011 was one of the most amazing years of my life.  It was a year of revelations, realizations, peace, shedding, confidence, reconciliation, love and grace. 

As 2011 came to an end, I have to admit I wasn't excited about going into 2012. Quite honestly, I fell into 2012 kicking and screaming.  Part of me had fears about what it was going to bring for me - old habits die hard I guess. The other part of me just wasn't ready for the new year to begin. Saying that seems strange seeing as how I have absolutely no control over these things.  Yet and still, I wished I could slow down the clock a little and take some time to plan. 

Recently I had a chance to settle down a bit and think about what I want for my life this year.  I realize that much of it is a continuation of what God revealed to me in 2011.  The difference now is that I feel like I'm aligning with God to create the life I deserve.  I'm not doing "my thing" without consulting God about His will for my life. 

2012 came in in a non-momentous way. No cute, sexy, sparkly dress. No man to hold on to (at least not physically). No Auld Lang Syne. No streamers, confetti, cheers etc.  One thing I know for sure, MY EYES ARE WIDE OPEN and I'm grateful.    Bring it 2012.  I'm ready now.   -TDH

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything  James 1:2-4

I Won't Complain!

Last night one of my friends was robbed at gunpoint. He works at a Sprint store here in San Diego. As he and his co-worker were closing the store, two men came in with guns, forced them on the floor with guns to their heads, tied their legs up, took money from him and from the register (about $500), and ran off.

Yesterday I had a crazy day at work too. I was busy working from 8:00 in the morning until 8:30 at night. It was one of those days where I could have been the CCP (Complainers Club President). Looking back over the day, because it was such a hectic day, I pretty much complained and grumbled most of the day.

When I saw my friend and he told me about HIS workday, I realized that my day wasn't so bad. I am so grateful that my friend and his coworker were not harmed. God's grace is so amazing. How many times have we heard about robberies where people were hurt physically or even killed. That my friend survived this ordeal, something that most of us will never even have to experience, is enough to be grateful about.

The incident with my friend gave me perspective in the midst of my crazy day. I am sad that he had to experience that horrible situation but I am grateful for the perspective it has given me...it was one that I so desperately needed...and I won't complain!

With all of its imperfections and challenges, today is still the best day yet! -Ralph Marston

Lost and Found

I'm calling 2011 my year of Lost.....and Found.
I lost my very expensive Nikon camera. 
My grandmother passed away.
I lost a guy I was dating... well, I guess technically I didn't "lose" him, he walked away from our relationship (By the way, it was one of the best things to happen to me) 
I lost my wallet at an airport in Kansas City.
I lost a bag of jewelry that contained several expensive pieces.
I lost my wireless Internet access card.

It seemed like every time I turned around, I was losing something or someone. Someone said, well of course you're losing things, you're so busy. I thought, that might be partially true, but I knew that something (or better yet, SOMEONE) else was at work here.

Eventually, I started feeling defeated, uninspired, and quite honestly, I was worried about my mental health. I didn't feel like myself. After the last "loss", I literally cried out to God in my hotel room, praying and asking HIM for guidance, begging Him to intervene.

What I didn't realize was that He had been trying to intervene, but I was too caught up in mourning WHAT I had lost that I sometimes missed the message in the lost. I held up the mirror and looked at my life over the past few months. When I did I realized that, yes I had lost some valuables things, but what I've found this year is much more valuable. 

• I found a deeper relationship with Christ. My relationship with Him is number 1 and He will never walk away from me.
• I found a greater love for myself. God has loved me so hard this year, even when I didn't love myself, He loved me, and I've grown so much in the way I see myself.
• I found a passion (writing), that centers me and one I hope to use to help other people.
• I found the motivation to live a healthier life (I lost 30 pounds, and work out 4-5 days a week, and no longer have to take high blood pressure medicine)
• I found a renewed faith in God.
• I found the joy of knowing firsthand that God's plan is perfect and that my steps are ordered by Him.
• I found my way back to the heart of worship.

There are two more months in 2011 and I'm looking forward to more findings. Stay Tuned!

Romans 12:1-2

Deuteronomy 13:4

1 Peter 5:8-11

Thanks for the Reminder...

Isn't it strange how God will send a perfect stranger to remind you  of your blessings.  That's what happened to me last week.   I had boarded a flight headed to Missouri to spend time with my family.  After I took my seat, an older gentleman sat down in my row.  At first, he seemed like a bit of a curmudgeon.  He tossed his things on his seat and almost through his bag into the overhead bin an plopped down into his seat without saying a word.   He looked to be in his 60's...attractive, African-American, not necessarily distinguished looking, but he was the type of guy you see and you just know there's way more to him that what you see on the outside.  

Anyway, he takes the aisle seat leaving the middle seat open.  I was quickly trying to respond to email on my Ipad before they closed the airplane doors and made us turn our phones off.  He struck up a conversation with me about my arsenal of electronic gadgets.   I explained to him what everything was, then I asked him if he had an IPad.  He replied that he was still using a flip phone and would probably never move into the new age of technology.  We both laughed.

He told me he lives in Detroit but was traveling to Phoenix to spend time at a home he has there.  We talked about Detroit (I had just come back from there) and about my home, Nebraska.

Shortly after our  middle seat occupant boarded, the flight took off.  After a few minutes, the guy took out a newspaper and began reading it.  Middle seat got up to use the bathroom, and I took out my laptop to do more work.  Admittedly, I was frustrated because it was my birthday and all I wanted to do was relax on the flight, but I still had work to do. 

The guy looks over at me, "You're at it again huh?", he says.
"Yeh, unfortunately I have work to do," I say with a slight frown. 
"Oh yeah?" he replies, leaning over as if he was showing me something in the paper.  "I'll show you some unemployment figures that will make you glad you have work to do!" 

We both laughed (me more out of embarrassment than anything else), then he went back to reading the paper.
Trying not to appear ungrateful, I quickly said to him, "You see, it's my birthday and I just wish I didn't have to work on my birthday."
"Oh, Happy Birthday!  Well, I can understand not wanting to work on your birthday," he says.  Trying to appease.

Then I turned to him and said, "You're right though, thanks for the reminder."
He smiled and went back to reading his newspaper.

He WAS right!  How many times have I complained about my job and all of the work I have to do or how busy I am? It was like a lightbulb turned on in my head when he said that to me.  I decided right then to be grateful for my work/job at all times...no matter how tired I am or how frustrating it becomes.  I am blessed with something many people in our country have lost and can not find. How dare I speak about work as misfortune?

Later in the flight, middle seat and the guy strike up a conversation.  I overheard him telling her that he has worked as a dentist for over 40 years.   I imagined how hard he must have worked to get to get to a point where he could enjoy a vacation home in another city.  I also imagined how much life experience he must have and how many recessions or downed economies he's been through.  It was yet another reminder...this one about how important it is to put in effort and invest in my future.

I left the flight changed by my conversation with that man and I didn't even get his name.  I didn't need it, I received just what I needed in that moment, a REMINDER of God's grace and mercy.  That was the best birthday present I could ask for.

If It Don't Fit, Don't Force It...Just Relax and Let Them Go.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about friendship.  I have been blessed throughout my life to have amazing friends.  As I grow older and take stock of my relationships, I have learned to appreciate my friendships even more.  In spite of this, I tend to draw people to me that require a lot of work to maintain the friendship.  Friendships I know take work but as far back as I can remember, all of the best friendships I've had, the ones that I have maintained through the years, have all been ones that have evolved naturally and they just feel right!

Me and Adrianne 2004

Six years ago my dear friend Adrianne succumbed to breast cancer at the age of 42.   I can't remember exactly how we became friends, but I do remember it happened quite naturally.  It never felt forced or fake.  Of course we worked at our friendship, but the closeness came organically. 

I remember one of the first times I performed with a band. I was soooo nervous.  It was a Salsa/Merengue band so not only did I have to sing, I had to sing in Spanish!!!  Adrianne was the first one there!!!  She was tasked with recording my performance that night.  Towards the end of the performance on one of my breaks, she let me know that she had successfully recorded the show, but hadn't realized until more than half way through the show, that the lens cap was still on.

In spite of this snafu, she supported me and I supported her.  She listened to me and I listened to her.  When I think about my other friendships that mean so much to me, they all operate in the same way.    

When Adrianne passed, she left behind an eight-year old daughter, Nicole.  I made a promise to Adrianne that I would stay involved in Nicole's life and, while we don't see each other often, she and I have a wonderful relationship.  Nicole is 14 now (she'll be 15 in November) and she has grown into a lovely young girl.

A couple of weeks ago, Nicole and I went on a road trip to Fresno to attend my uncle's 90th birthday party.  We had a great time!!!  Being around her reminds me so much of her mother; she looks JUST like Adrianne and has many of her mannerisms and qualities.  Adrianne was smart, beautiful, funny, stylish and courageous.  I see these same qualities in Nicole and I can't help but think about how proud Adrianne would be of her!   

Adrianne and Nicole (2004)

I still miss Adrianne a lot but I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to spend part of my life with her as my friend.  Our friendship has had a big impact on my life in San Diego.  She saw things in me that I couldn't see in myself and she encouraged me in areas where I felt the the most fear.
Four days before she passed, she and I had a serious conversation about friendship.  She shared with me what she thought true friendship was made of and she thanked me for being her true friend.  Through my tears, I remember very clearly saying back to her, "Thank YOU for making this friendship so easy." 

When I left her house that day, I was supposed to return in a couple of days to bring her a pair of fluffy socks she'd wanted to keep her feet warm.  I was also sent on a quest to find the song Glamorous Life by Sheila E so she could download it to her Ipod (it was one of her favorites and was so apropos).  I bought the socks for her but never got to give them to her.  She passed four days later.  I found the song several months later.

Through Nicole, I realize that my friendship with Adrianne is still alive. I can't help but think about how proud Adrianne would be of Nicole.  My life has been enriched by Adrianne and Nicole and for that I am grateful! 

Nicole August 2011

I realize now I would much rather have the rich memory of this beautiful friendship than to start a new friendship or maintain and old one that just doesn't feel right.  Sometimes you just have to relax and LET THEM GO.