If It Don't Fit, Don't Force It...Just Relax and Let Them Go.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about friendship.  I have been blessed throughout my life to have amazing friends.  As I grow older and take stock of my relationships, I have learned to appreciate my friendships even more.  In spite of this, I tend to draw people to me that require a lot of work to maintain the friendship.  Friendships I know take work but as far back as I can remember, all of the best friendships I've had, the ones that I have maintained through the years, have all been ones that have evolved naturally and they just feel right!

Me and Adrianne 2004

Six years ago my dear friend Adrianne succumbed to breast cancer at the age of 42.   I can't remember exactly how we became friends, but I do remember it happened quite naturally.  It never felt forced or fake.  Of course we worked at our friendship, but the closeness came organically. 

I remember one of the first times I performed with a band. I was soooo nervous.  It was a Salsa/Merengue band so not only did I have to sing, I had to sing in Spanish!!!  Adrianne was the first one there!!!  She was tasked with recording my performance that night.  Towards the end of the performance on one of my breaks, she let me know that she had successfully recorded the show, but hadn't realized until more than half way through the show, that the lens cap was still on.

In spite of this snafu, she supported me and I supported her.  She listened to me and I listened to her.  When I think about my other friendships that mean so much to me, they all operate in the same way.    

When Adrianne passed, she left behind an eight-year old daughter, Nicole.  I made a promise to Adrianne that I would stay involved in Nicole's life and, while we don't see each other often, she and I have a wonderful relationship.  Nicole is 14 now (she'll be 15 in November) and she has grown into a lovely young girl.

A couple of weeks ago, Nicole and I went on a road trip to Fresno to attend my uncle's 90th birthday party.  We had a great time!!!  Being around her reminds me so much of her mother; she looks JUST like Adrianne and has many of her mannerisms and qualities.  Adrianne was smart, beautiful, funny, stylish and courageous.  I see these same qualities in Nicole and I can't help but think about how proud Adrianne would be of her!   

Adrianne and Nicole (2004)

I still miss Adrianne a lot but I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to spend part of my life with her as my friend.  Our friendship has had a big impact on my life in San Diego.  She saw things in me that I couldn't see in myself and she encouraged me in areas where I felt the the most fear.
Four days before she passed, she and I had a serious conversation about friendship.  She shared with me what she thought true friendship was made of and she thanked me for being her true friend.  Through my tears, I remember very clearly saying back to her, "Thank YOU for making this friendship so easy." 

When I left her house that day, I was supposed to return in a couple of days to bring her a pair of fluffy socks she'd wanted to keep her feet warm.  I was also sent on a quest to find the song Glamorous Life by Sheila E so she could download it to her Ipod (it was one of her favorites and was so apropos).  I bought the socks for her but never got to give them to her.  She passed four days later.  I found the song several months later.

Through Nicole, I realize that my friendship with Adrianne is still alive. I can't help but think about how proud Adrianne would be of Nicole.  My life has been enriched by Adrianne and Nicole and for that I am grateful! 

Nicole August 2011

I realize now I would much rather have the rich memory of this beautiful friendship than to start a new friendship or maintain and old one that just doesn't feel right.  Sometimes you just have to relax and LET THEM GO. 

Answered Prayers

When I was about 12 or 13 years old, my parents went out shopping one evening. Before they left they mentioned that they had hoped to find winter boots for me and my sister. When they returned from their shopping trip, I ran to the living room with great excitement about the new boots I was sure they had bought me. They began taking things out of the bag and out came a shoebox that carried a nice new pair of winter boots...for my sister. I glanced into the empty bag and quickly realized there were no boots for me.

I remember this day vividly because I instantly got an attitude with my parents about not buying me boots. I went to my room with a huge pout on my face and an even bigger attitude. After rolling my eyes and slamming (gently slamming cuz Momma didn't play that), a few drawers and doors, my Mom realized that something was awry. I kept my attitude for most of the night until finally my mother came into my room and sat on my bed.

She asked me what was wrong.

"Nothin," I said.

Then my mother said, "Yes it is! Why are you walking around here with an attitude?"

I managed to whisper (and I mean I whispered), "Cuz I didn't get any boots."

Now this is the part I remember most and I can still hear the disappointment in my Mother's voice when she said, "We looked around all night trying to figure out how we could get boots for both of you." Your sister doesn't have any shoes to get her through the winter and you do so we had to buy hers today. Your dad is going to get your boots when he gets paid next month"

Right then I felt horrible. Even at 12/13 years old, I realized how selfish I was being. I realized there was more behind the blessing than what I could see with my eyes.
True to his word, my father bought me a new pair of boots about a month or so later...when the timing was right. I  think I was more proud of the boots then than I would have been if I had received them when I wanted them.

Sometimes it can be frustrating waiting on God. I know what "the word" says about patience, trust and God's timing, but in the midst of the waiting, there are times when naturally, I begin to wonder if God is going to come through and why God doesn't come through...just like the boots from my parents.  I know that there is more to the blessings that God has in store for me than what I can see and what I imagine for myself. I am grateful today for answered prayers.

One of the greatest blessings is to be able to be happy even when things aren’t going the way we planned. –Joyce Meyers

Time for me! I'm back...

Oh my gosh!  This has certainly been a long summer.  As a matter of fact, I can't remember having a summer like this in a very long time.  It FLEW by. 
I wish I could say it's been all good.  I mean, there have been some unforgettable, soul inspiring belly- aching-because-I-laughed-so-hard moments.  I was able to hang out with a few of my really good girlfriends: (Kim J., Renell B., CGooch aka: TBDIO, Stephanie Perry (LOVE you), Shelina B., Christen L., Michelle A., and more), and this always makes me happy.  I traveled to a couple of new places and made a couple of new friends...well maybe their more like acquaintances. 

However, I realize that the stress I felt at the beginning of the summer, is still there.  Work has been unbelievably hectic.  I have had trouble sleeping...my good eating habits have waned slightly.  I have been losing, instead of gaining momentum in some areas.  As the summer pressed on, I felt as if I was losing air with each passing day.  A couple of weeks ago I went home for Native Omahans weekend and I had a Come To Jesus meeting with myself. 

Blogging has been therapeutic and enlightening for me.  I have been writing a little for church but I have missed terribly, writing in my Gratefulness blog.   Even if no one reads it, it comforts me to take time to reflect on my blessings and pour my thoughts out (well some of them) in this fashion.  :-)   It is not that I haven't had things I am grateful for, I just didn't take the time to reflect on them. 

I am back now. No more neglecting that part of me that longs for expression, release and peace.

Look for a way to respond to the setback that will end up putting you in a stronger position than you were before the setback occurred. - Ralph Marston

Little Hands...Little Feet...Warm Heart!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written last.  I'm back now and want to share a quick story about something that touched my heart today.

Little "Guy" aka "Fat Jack"

So I am in KC working for a few days and am delighted because I have a lot of family in the area (my sister and brother and their families, my favorite aunt and cousins, and an uncle) so it always does my heart good to come to KC. 

I arrived late last night and after picking up my rental car, I drove straight to my sister's house.  By that time my nieces (Brooklynn, 6, Kennedi, 4 and my nephew "Guy",3) were fast asleep.   My sister and brother-n-law had not told them I was coming so they had no idea. 

Brooklynn

The next morning I woke up to them screaming my name "Tee Tee!"  "Tee Tee!"  "Tee Tee!"  When they recognized it was me, they climbed onto my pallet, laughing, grabbing me, trying to get close to me.  Kennedi was in my face (so close I couldnt' see HER face) calling my name.  Brooklynn was scrambling to get underneath the covers with me...grinning from ear to ear.  Guy, after figuring out who I was, began tapping me saying "Tee-Tee Tee-Tee".  When I finally acknowledged him he looked at me with a smile as wide as Texas and said "Hi!" 

Little Kennedi

Their climbing all over me quickly reminded me of all of the sore spots caused by my intense personal training session the day before.  Ouch!!! 
The pain was well worth it though.  As a matter of fact, I wish I could wake up to that every morning.  It was the best way to greet a new day!  Sore muscles and all.

Dee

My beautiful cousin Dee with her son Mike

It's been way too long since I have posted.  It's not because I have not had things to be grateful for.  No...it's definitely not that.  I have plenty of things to be grateful for. 

The last few weeks I found myself getting sucked in to the craziness of life.  I started feeling overwhelmed with work.  I have not been sleeping.  I have been feeling homesick...down...a little depressed, and the worst of all, uninspired. 

Two days ago I woke up and I could not get out of bed.  I mean, physically I could move, but there was something in me that did not want to face the day.  I stayed in bed for over an hour before I got up.  When I finally got out of bed, I moped around doing everything I could to avoid getting ready for work. 

Then I remembered that it was my cousin Deirdre's birthday; she passed away three years ago at the age of 23.  The more I thought about how much I missed her, and about her son, my aunt, uncle, and cousins, the sadder I became. 

Three years ago at her funeral they played a DVD with music and a photo montage. I have a copy of the DVD  but I've only watched it once because it brings up so many sad emotions for me.  Nevertheless, I decided to watch it this morning. 

I cried of course.  I cried hard!  Oddly, at the end of the video, I felt better.  I felt better because I was reminded of the promises I made to myself right after she passed.  On the flight home from the funeral I made a list of things I wanted/needed to do to  make sure I am living my best life.  The list, which I still have, came from a place of inspiration and resolve.

I also thought about how much joy and laughter Dee brought to everyone in her short 23 years. She was beautiful, headstrong, principled, loving and funny.  Always funny - every since she was a young girl.
 

Me and Dee

I don't know how this all started, but she and I had a special language we spoke to each other.  When we were together, we would start speaking to each other in our "language" and at certain points in the conversation, we would burst into laughter as if we were telling jokes that only we could understand.  In all honesty, it was just a bunch of gibberish, but it was our language.  When others would attempt to talk to us in our language (not too many were crazy enough to engage us, but a few tried - you know who you are), we would give them a look that said, we have NO IDEA what you're saying!  We spoke this language even as adults, which is one of the things that made it so funny.  I think about our "language" often and it makes me smile.

After I watched the DVD, I began to feel that same inspiration and resolve I felt after her funeral services.  I knew then that I had to pull it together and get back to my commitment to live my best life.

Today I am grateful for having had the opportunity to know and love Deirdre.  I am grateful for all of the memories I have of her that can never be erased.  I am grateful for her inspiration, just when I need it the most.   

Uncle John and the girls (sans Nikki, Nanz & Gloria), in Sacramento

To Dee:  Kedi kedis cooodi cuuchhishlke. Love always, Traci!

Grace and Mercy!

I don't know about you, but Monday's are hard for me!  I had an early meeting this morning so when my alarm rang, I hit snooze three times before getting out of bed.  I just wanted to sleep in!  After I finally made my way out of bed, I knew I was going to need divine intervention in order to get through the day. 

During my prayer time, I asked God to give me compassion and peace throughout the day. At the time, I had no idea why I was asking God for these two things.  But God knew... 

First, two situations arose today (both of them occurred before 12N) where I could have responded with mercilessness, or with compassion.  One situation involved a stranger, the other involved a friend.  I chose compassion both times. 

Then, mid morning I had a conversation with my mother during which she shared some information with me about a "friend" of mine.  The conversation was one that would normally be stressful for me but as I was talking to her I felt a wave of peace come over me.  I literally felt the weight of the stress I was carrying about this person lighten.  I knew then that God had heard my prayer that morning and that He had His hands all over me. 

Now, as I get ready for bed and reflect on this day, I am grateful for God's grace and mercy towards me!  For without it, I would not be able to extend it to others. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:8-9

More on the Mountaintop Experience...

I subscribe to a daily quote email service where each morning I receive and inspirational quote.  The quote I received today was:

One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering."   -Ida Scott Taylor 

This is more confirmation about moving forward and and encouragement to live in the present!  Today I am grateful for TODAY...this day I've been given and I plan to live it to the fullest!

                                           TODAY by Kirk Franklin (Hello Fear)

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am maing a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.  
                                                                                                                       -Isaiah 43:18-25




 Ida Scott Taylor

Left It On the Mountaintop!

I am so sorry it's been awhile since I've written last.  I have been traveling and had written a couple of entries on a notepad that I now can't seem to find. I have been upset about it because I had written a couple of really good entries.  I still haven't found them but I will do my best to recreate them over the next few weeks when I find the inspiration again.

For now I want to write about my mountaintop experience!  This past weekend I took a trip to the desert for a personal retreat.  I have a friend/colleague who lives in PA but has a home in Palm Springs.  He is always inviting me to stay at his place when I wanted to get away so this past weekend I took him up on the offer. 



Bottom of mountains with South Carl Lykken Hiking Trail



I had been feeling pretty weighty (emotionally and mentally) so I was feeling like I needed to get away to some place where I didn't know anyone, didn't have to work, didn't have to talk to anyone (unless I wanted to), and didn't have to be anywhere.  I needed to clear my mind and spend some time getting re-centered.  So off I went to Palm Springs. 

Friday night I went downtown and walked around.  During appetizers, I met a couple from Kansas who told me about all of the great hiking trails in Palm Springs.  The next morning I decided to get up and try one of them.  I had never hiked in Palm Springs before so I was a little nervous about doing it alone but the pull to make it up the mountain was much stronger than my fear. 

  

The first mountain was grueling as the trail was a steep incline (see picture above) for just over a mile.  I stopped a couple of times along to the way to take a break and take pictures of the breathtaking views.  



Fellow hikers taking in the scenery on one of the many rock cliffs.  

The sky was pretty clear and the temperature was about 70 degrees when I started up the mountain around 10:30. It would eventually warm up to about 85 degrees by the time I made it down the mountain. 

   I stopped and talked to a few fellow hikers on the way up.  Two guys were standing on a rock cliff that looked as if it was suspended in mid air.  You can't tell how high up we were in this picture but the ground is NOT as close as it appears. 

As I made my way up the mountain,  I was overcome with a sense of gratefulness and reverence for God's creations.  At one point I decided that I would, for the rest of the way up the mountain, focus on all of the things I'm grateful for: the sky, the views, the rocks, the birds, the cactus, my fellow hikers, my friend for allowing me to stay at his place, the couple from Kansas who told me about this trail, the flowers, the butterflies and on and on and on.  Eventually I shifted my thinking away from the heavy thoughts that had been weighing me down and decided to live in the present moment without any regard for yesterday or worry about tomorrow.  The foot traffic was light that day so I had a lot of freedom to sing out loud and talk to myself without people thinking I was crazy.  :-)
 
When I made it to the top of the mountain there was no one else there.  There are two picnic tables on top of the mountain so I sat down on one of them and began to pray.  I prayed for what seemed like 5 minutes but when I finished and looked at the time, I had been praying for more than 15 minutes.  I was sobbing and when I looked up, an older couple was making their way to the top of the mountain.  The guy asked me if I was doing yoga.  I said "No, just spending some time talking to God."  He said, "well there's no better place to do than up here." 

He was right!  The clouds were being held at bay so the sky just above the mountain was a pretty light blue and it was as if someone had turned down the volume on everything in the city except the birds, the wind and the occasional rustle of trees and bushes.   It was a pretty windy day so there was a lot of rustling.  



On top of the mountain!



I know you can talk to God anywhere.  I know I did not need to climb a mountain in Palm Springs to get close to God, but this was an important experience for me.   When I was praying, one by one I named each of my cares and worries and one by one I released them.  Visually I saw myself putting each of them down on the picnic table right next to my backpack, camera, cell phone and bottled water.  When I got up to leave, I tucked my cell phone and camera into my backpack, grabbed my water, and left my troubles and worries sitting on the picnic table. 

I didn't look back because I knew the wind would come and blow them away, into the hands of God who would know exactly what to do with them.   I decided to walk down the other side of the mountain which added about 2 miles onto my journey.  I didn't mind though because suddenly I felt energized and lighter than I did when I started the journey up the mountain. 

One of the many huge cacti I saw along the way

Amazing Cluds over Palm Springs





More of God's creation






Rocks that were stacked like a cairn.



Strong. Powerful. Confident.

Recently I had a conversation with a couple of female family members about our body image issues.  They were surprised to learn that I have always struggled with my height.  I am 5’10.  When I first realized that I was going to be tall I hated it.  I was always taller than most of the boys.  The short boys, it seemed, always gave me attention. 
By the time I was in high school I had perfected the way I stood.  I shifted my weight to one leg and then to the other when one got tired in order to make myself look shorter.  I was nominated prom queen my senior year and the prom king, Brent Bostwick, was about 5’4.  The picture that will go down in history as the official royal court photo has me standing next to him on the platform BAREFOOT in my now infamous, stance.  I remember feeling self-conscious about standing next to him because I felt like a giant. 

In college it was the same thing.  When high heels were in, instead of keeping up with the current fashions, I would wear flats or lower heels in an effort to take attention away from my height. 

Moving to California was liberating for me when it came to my height.  I still had “issues” with it but there seemed to be way more tall women here than there were in Omaha.  Not only that, these women seemed to care more about being in style than they did about their height.  THEY WORE HEELS FOR DAYS!!  And I began to do the same. 

During this time I became more and more comfortable with it and I realized that men in California LOVED and appreciated tall women.  So I began loving and appreciating my height.  The problem was that the love came from the outside in.  If they loved me for my height, then I loved me for my height. If they didn’t appear to accept my height, then I would lament over it. 

Through the years as I have learned to accept and love myself, I began to accept and love all of the unique things about me.  My height cannot not be changed.  It is how I was made…and if I am made in God’s image, then how dare I NOT love and appreciate it? 

After 30 years of teaching myself that my height was something to be ashamed of and self-conscious about, I finally reached a point where I have learned to accept it.  I am learning to fall in love with it…I guess you could say I’m “in like” with it, and I’m slowly falling in love.  I wear heels…I LOVE shoes and would not dare deny myself the pleasure of rocking a pair of hot platforms, cute stacked sandals, or sexy high-heeled boots.  

Now I use my mind and heart at the same time to help me unlearn that infamous stance (shifting from one leg to the next).  It had become as familiar to me as my name.  When I catch myself doing it or find myself in situations that drive me into that automatic shrinkage mode, I show love towards myself by repeating this affirmation:

“I am made in God’s image.  I love God, I love me AND I love my height”

God gives me opportunities all of the time to show love towards myself about my height.  Last week I hopped into a cab headed to the airport.  The cab driver, a guy from Ghana, was friendly but quiet for most of the ride.  As we were pulling up to the terminal he asked me where I was from. 

“Nebraska,” I said. 

He said, “Do you know where you’re family came from?” 

I said, “No, probably West Africa.”  He didn’t respond.    

As he handed me my bags he said, “I thought maybe you were from Nigeria.  In Nigeria, tall women are special people.” They are strong, powerful, and confident. That’s who you remind me of.” 

I smiled and said thank you.  I walked into the airport strutting my strongest, most powerful and confident walk.  With my heels clicking loudly on the concrete floor I thought to myself, ‘Yeh, that’s who I am.   

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.   -Psalm 139: 13-14

Off the Richter Scale

Me and my Grandmother Betty

My grandmother passed away on Sunday, March 27, 2011.

Losing my grandmother has created yet another shift in my emotional and mental foundation.  Something in me moved...and it's been happening a lot lately.  I liken this feeling to the recent earthquake in Japan that shifted the earth's axis and  moved the Japanese coast 8 feet (Quake moved Japan)!  Earthquakes can be devastating, destructive, and life changing. I have had several "earthquake experiences" over the past few months.  While some of these experiences have been painful, they have all been life changing and I've learned a great deal about life and about myself. 

My grandmother's home going service was beautiful.  It wasn't fancy or elaborate; she wouldn't have wanted it that way.  In fact, she would have been embarrassed by all of the attention paid to her.  At one point during the service I got up to give reflections about my grandmother and the first thing I noticed was a sea of familiar faces in the pews.  The church is probably the smallest one I've ever been in so I could literally see everyone in the church.  This immediately gave me a strong sense of comfort and support.  I looked at my grandfather sobbing on the front row and wished he could turn around and see and feel the same comfort I felt in that moment.  As I took my seat, I felt another shift. 

In the days after the service, my mom and I worked to clean out my grandmother's closet, donating some things and throwing away others my grandfather did not want to keep.  We came across an array of possessions my grandmother had acquired over the years:  expensive unworn clothes, purses (LOTS of purses), brand new shoes and jewelry, knick knacks, reminder notes to herself, credit cards, blank birthday cards, recipes, newspaper articles, coins and other keepsakes.  We found several things my grandfather wasn't even aware of.  Her closet was so full that you couldn't see any wall or floor space; it took us about 6 hours to clear that closet! 

Today I was back over cleaning the last few areas of the closet.  I walked in the room and saw my grandfather sitting on the bed looking into the empty closet.  I asked him if he was ok.  He said yes and began talking about my grandmother.  We talked for a bit before he got up and left me sitting there staring into the empty closet.  I began thinking about all of the "stuff" we had removed.  We filled at least 10 industrial sized garbage bags full of her things.  I became fixated on the word "stuff."  All of the expensive suits, dresses and shoes were folded and bagged up.  Many of the things I'm sure she once treasured were now stuffed into bags.  They no longer mattered...at least not to us.  Sure we kept some keepsakes (jewelry, a couple of timeless cute purses, knick-knacks and others), but most everything else we gave away.  In that moment sitting on the bed thinking about the all of the "stuff" we had removed from her closet,  about the family and friends who had been there for us, about my grandfather's broken heart and my grandmother's sweet resting spirit, I felt another shift.

The saying, "You can't take it with you," reminds us that all of the things we acquire (including money), are not things you can take with you when your spirit passes from your earthly body.  I like AND own several things: shoes, a house, clothes, books, movies, gadgets, etc., so I'm not suggesting that we should not acquire the "things" we desire to have in our lives.   The lesson I learned is not about owning "stuff," but more about having the right perspective about the "stuff" and keeping it in its place in my life. 

My grandmother's legacy is not about her stuff...it's about her kind spirit and humble heart and the love she had for her family.  The earthquake-like shifts I felt this week forced me to think about my "stuff" and what I'm doing with it.  Am I using it or is it sitting in my "closet" waiting for the right time?  Am I hiding "my stuff" in the back of my closet hoping no one will notice? Do I place more value on "my stuff" than I do my relationships?  If I die tomorrow will I be remembered for "my stuff" or for the impact I made in life? 

I know the answers to most of these questions but I realize I have more work to do.  I miss my grandmother and I worry about my grandfather but I am grateful to God for the shifts He's brought about in my life.  I like the new place I'm in.  Traci H.